I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
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[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
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If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??