[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
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Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
me irl
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
my retirement plan is braless
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner