They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
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Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.