them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
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Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Camping tip: No.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.