You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
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Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Any refunds available?…
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
6: are snakes just neck?