In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
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Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes