I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
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In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?