Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
You Might Also Like
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
me when the borders lift
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.