Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
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Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.