HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
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Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
FINE, I WON’T.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
#growingpains