Well, that didn’t work.
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If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
bias laundering edition
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene