Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
You Might Also Like
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I ate everything, including the H.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack