Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
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“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
rise and shine we got egg
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares