[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
You Might Also Like
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
that colleague who touches your screen
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10