[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
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WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
“OMGJK” -atheists
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.