Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
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Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I’d hang this in my house.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep