Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
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Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen