Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
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Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.