Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
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To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?