(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
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I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs