I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
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3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Ummm
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Batman v Dracula
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.