When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
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[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
did it work
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.