I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
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Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
S/o to @funTweeters .
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy