Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
You Might Also Like
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!