Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
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My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I’m going to need a moment here.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
is this meant to deter me
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it