accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
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me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.