This is my emotional support online shopping cart
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“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
mariah carrie
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside