The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
You Might Also Like
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Finally!
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?