Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
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me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”