Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
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Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Chicago sounds lovely.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.