INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
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How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
❤️🦆
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six