It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Did…did a minotaur write this
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.