Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
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Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.