You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
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@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Wise advice
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.