Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
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I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!