joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
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Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.