wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
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If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Mornin
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.