Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
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TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔