reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
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What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull