[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
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I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
This meal prepping shit is easy
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.