that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
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Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?