♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
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Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
you will never know the true number of layers
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.