Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
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[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I already tried new things thanks.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.