Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
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HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
A drum solo but on your face.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
car not found
Fries, not lies.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves