“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
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My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route