My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
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I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works