My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
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My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.