My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
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I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.