Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
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I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
TRAIN’S HERE
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.