Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
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If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Roses are red, you always mattered,
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.